Red.

In the next moment, my vision clouded with red. Something in my head felt burning. Sounds of metal clanging against the wall as if a building had collapsed.

My body felt numb. I couldn't see anything, feel anything, or smell anything.

Even with so little information, I knew this feeling all too well. This feeling of nothingness and a distant pain.

"Sleepyato. You're finally awake?"

"...huh?"

I blinked.

An unfamiliar ceiling. My back was resting on a hard, bumpy cold surface.

Instantly, my body lounged forward, and I looked around.

Kazane sat beside me. Her eyebrows were furrowed, and she pursed her lips, staring at me with a concerned look.

More importantly, we sat in a hollow space. 

"This place is..."

"-The destroyed interior of a building, most likely."

Pieces of rubble and chunks of wood lay on the floor. A cloud of dust floated across the room.

So much debris. So much dust. So many broken things.

It looked like an abandoned construction site, and we were in the middle of the building.

I blinked.

"Huh? Then what happened? Just now, we were fighting Khosrow, weren't we?"

"I would also like to know. Outside, a black arc came for us. Then I woke up here, you by my side."

"A b-black arc? Waking up like this? That means..."

 I couldn't finish.

     - Killed. Again.

My eyes wandered to my hands, which looked intact. There wasn't blood on it, just clouds of dust that were collected when my palm touched the ground. Strangely, there wasn't a trace of another person.

"More importantly, Ayaka isn't here?"

"No. When I woke up, I did not see her anywhere."

I blinked.

"Huh? You didn't see her anywhere?"

The room we were in looked collapsed. There didn't seem to be a single door or opening in this building.

Before I died, Ayaka was surely closer to me than the walls of this collapsed building. If she seemed to have never got here, then there was only one way she could have not been in this rubble.

Did Ayaka survive?

That projectile Khosrow fired.

If she did, then she would still be fighting Khosrow. If she didn't, then where did she wake up? In any case, the outcome was not great.

My hand pressed against my forehead, doing my best to try to suppress my frustration.

Forget it.

Forget it.

Forget it.

Don't make the same mistake. Don't let your consciousness sip into a smear of rage.

As I was taking a deep breath, Kazane sighed. She looked away from me, resting her chin on her knees while hugging her legs.

"Speaking of which, I wonder how we got here. Does Smayato have any ideas?"

"Smayato... Somehow, that cuts too many letters to feel right."

"Does it? I guess I'm just not thinking."

Kazane looked away from me, resting her chin on her knees while staring at the wall. Her figure was dimly lit. For the first time in this GRS and KRS stuff, I found her looking vulnerable.

I frowned.

"You okay? You look really stressed. Are you worried about Mom and Dad?"

"I'm fine. Ayato doesn't have to worry about me that much."

"Ah? I was just hoping you'd look happier. I did work very hard to return to you after those Shaang, you know."

"Ha, even in situations like these, Ayato still says things like that. Hmph. I guess even with that, Ayato still hasn't changed much."

"With that?"

"Nothing."

With a prompt response, Kazane ignored me, cutting the conversation short.

I took a sigh and looked back towards the dusty, brown walls. There wasn't anything good to see, and plenty of random garbage.

But ah. My mood was getting better. I guess joking and talking to Kazane like before everything happened seemed to be making me feel a lot better. But even then.

I put my hand on my stomach, where an ache lingered. Ever since my first death, I've been feeling disturbed here. As if there was a needle in there. Paranoia, probably. Hopefully, if I ignore it enough and joke, it'll go away.

At any rate, I wondered how we were going to get out of this place of debris. I didn't know if Kazane's ability had enough power to blow away an opening in the debris. I stroked my chin, thinking,

"Ayato."

Kazane's voice suddenly became quiet, almost soft. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, then scooted close to me.

"These past few days, something seems to be happening to you. Since that morning you ran off without giving me an ample explanation, you've always seemed to be holding something from me."

"Something happening? No, no, I'm all fine. I'm in my original state, just like you said earlier."

I waved my hands at Kazane, doing my best to smile. It was best for no one but me to know about my deaths, that-

"I knew something was wrong, but since you never bothered telling me, I thought it was something you didn't want to talk about."

"Huh? Why aren't you listening? I told you that there's nothing bothering me. Nothing at all. I'm all-"

"No, something is bothering you, isn't it? Even though you hide it, it shows up clearly on your face. Did you really think that no one can tell!? That no one watches you closely enough to see that!?"

"Kazane..."

Kazane let out a shaky breath, closing her eyes. Taking a deep breath, she opened them again.

"I'm watching you, Ayato. If it's really bothering you so much, then talk to me about it."

"----"

Unending Death.

My experiences with Khosrow, Forna. My experiences with seeing the bloodshed all around me.

There was a reason why I never mentioned it to Kazane.

"-You probably don't want to know. It's not pretty at all. There's nothing good about it."

A sigh escaped my lips as I turned to face the wall.

I did tell myself that I would never mention my deaths to Kazane. But that was after a few deaths, and I underestimated the Shaang attack. Inevitably, Kazane would eventually figure it out or I told her.

Even so, I didn't want her to know.

Maybe if I had done something with it, it would be worth mentioning. Maybe if I had saved someone from a permanent cycle of death, maybe if I had prevented all of this Shaang attack. Maybe if at that park, I didn't die to begin with.

I could proudly stand and yell that I did something with all this pain.

To suffer is to gain, they say.

In the end, all the success stories showcase the satisfying conclusion of overcoming their obstacles and achieving what they wanted to pay off all the pain.

What about the people in the world who suffered and lost so much to get nothing in return? What of the gain that they were seeking? Why did they suffer so much?

It was shameful, nothing more.

"It's utterly bad ... And telling you... telling anyone else. I hardly imagine it being useful."

I didn't want Kazane to know about all the pain that I had. I figured it was better for her to not have to think about all these painful things that were happening to me, all these painful things that were happening to people around me, all those painful things that could have happened.

No. That wasn't the reason.

I didn't want people looking down at me with pity. I didn't want people looking at this pathetic self, thinking about how little I had done with the ability to cheat death.

"I'm selfish, okay? It's not...  I'm not sure you would like to hear it. That's why I don't want to say it. If not saying it will make everyone even myself better off, then why would I say it?"

"-I wouldn't mind if you told me, you know."

"You... wouldn't mind."

"And surely, I won't make you regret it."

"-It's not like it would change anything or do anything. I've said that countless times."

"Even then, I think it will be okay. Even if it's ugly, even if it's the worst thing in the world, even if you're sure that telling anyone else will be no use. It'll surely be fine."

"----"

"Because I'm sure. I would understand."

And with that, she tilted her head and smiled.

The moment Kazane smiled at me, I found my head facing the ground, my teeth clenched. My head felt heavy, and my lungs felt tight.

Unending death. Unending death. Unending death.

Saria, Khosrow, Forna.

My death at the park, my death at the lake, my death in the streets, my death by the station, my death by Forna, my death with the knife against Khosrow.

Having held so much from Kazane, it was hard to even express my thoughts clearly. The frustration that I've been holding all this time bubbled in my stomach, feeling ready to burst. It almost felt like a stomachache.

"I've been. I've been. All this time."

Forna. Khosrow. Shaangs. 

Watching myself die. Watching others around me die.

"Dying."

Rei. Ayaka. Kazane.

I saw it all. Timelines, lives, realities where they had died, where their dead bodies had laid in front of me.

Where I had feared that my ability wouldn't work, where I feared that they would die for real.

And the times I had died, they were awfully brutal. Forna. Khosrow. Shaangs. All of that, where my body had been destroyed in all sorts of varius ways.

Having died more than 5 times, I wanted to run.

Run. Run. Run.

But I didn't, because I didn't want Kazane to die.

I didn't want anyone to die.

Why would I go through all that pain of dying if I could just run away? Getting near the dead bodies of Rei and Ayaka, then getting butchered like an animal. All of that just so that I could come back later and see it for real?

All the death that I saw.

"Dying countless times across a few days."

Doing my best to prevent it, doing my best to try to stop the deaths that I saw, doing my best to stop Khosrow.

"Dying no matter what I did, no matter what I tried."

My arm was shaking. My entire vision was blurring. With every 'dying' that I said, I could feel the knot in my stomach getting looser. 

"Dying, dying, dying. That's right. I was dying. The others too. All dying."

My words had started becoming spats. A pure vomit trying to contain the word death as much as possible. 

All this that I felt, all this that I was holding back.

"That GRS bishop Khosrow and that rook Forna. And all those Shaangs."

My voice shook. My vision was blurry. I could hear the howls of the Shaang, the wind of Khosrow's attack, and even my screams. I could even feel a slight burn in my legs, my chest, my head, and all the places from where I was killed.

"Pugghghh!!!"

I coughed and sputtered, falling on my hands. 

"Hey! Are you alright!?"

Kazane gently patted my back, gazing worrisomely at me. Her eyebrows were knitted, and her mouth was open as if she was having a hard time believing what I said.

"Dying...? What do you mean?"

"Kazane... You saw it too. That day in the park."

"----"

"That day in the park, when you found me dead. When everyone was dead. Khosrow-"

My voice cracked. I leaned my head down, focusing on the cement as I took a breath.

"Khosrow killed me. And yet, I didn't die. When I woke up, there wasn't a single trace that I died. Not even a scar."

"That's..."

"I can't die, Kazane. No matter how many times I died, no matter how I die. I always found myself intact. Even those around me."

"Ayato can't die."

"You suspected something as much, didn't you? When you saw my intact body that day after, I'm sure you felt something was wrong."

"-I did, but. Having it confirmed feels weird."

"Weird huh. Ha. How long dead I would've been without it."

Wouldn't have even made it past day 1.

And yet, I was still here, reaping the sorrowful memories of death.

"I've been dying. Up till now. Many times. What you see here is the result."

My mouth quivered.

The remainder of my words had gotten stuck in my throat.

I didn't want to tell her about Khosrow or Forna. 

It wasn't pretty, and it was too much.

"But you're alright, are you?"

Kazane interrupted. Her eyes seemed to have a glint of light, almost as if she was looking at me with a hopeful look.

Hopeful huh. When was this situation ever hopeful.

"I don't really know. I don't know much, really. Even after all those deaths, I still feel like I hardly learned anything."

My face down, I muttered what I had been thinking all this time. 

"But surely, that's a good thing."

"Huh?"

My face slowly crawled up, the muscles in my face contracted, twisting. And yet, Kazane continued, the corners of her mouth slowly turning into a smile.

"That Ayato can't die. It's surely a good thing, right?"

"A good thing?"

"Ayato?"

"Huh. You would really call that a good thing. All that death."

My voice felt hollow.

All the pain. All the suffering.

That was... a good thing?

That it was a good thing that I met Forna, and endured the painful end of being eaten alive?

That it was a good thing that I met Khosrow, who tortured me and killed me countless times?

What was Kazane saying?

I would rather have died there than live up to now.

"You probably don't understand. Don't understand what happened."

"I don't mean that it that way-"

"No. You couldn't have understood. You don't understand at all. Don't understand all those experiences with death."

My voice was shaking. A sick feeling wrapped in my stomach. The harmless line she had said got deep under my skin.

"Because you didn't see it! You didn't see any of it!"

Kazane flinched.

I panted, trying to catch my breath.

Even at the park, when I thought that death was something.

Even at the trail, when I thought that there was a future for me.

Even now, when I thought that everything was hopeless.

In all those moments, I could recall clearly. My feelings and the pain in my head along my deaths as I died. 

It hurt so much, I wished I died for real.

My desperate pleas to Khosrow for him to save me. 

My desperate hope that Khosrow would spare me.

My desperate trust in Forna not to kill me.

Kazane didn't understand, she didn't see it. 

I took a deep breath, calming myself. Having lashed out for Kazane's harmless statement, it was wrong to be so angry.

"But I saw it. All those experiences with death. I saw all of it. I was part of it, that's why."

"Ayato was... Experiences with death? What exactly... happened?"

"Death."'

It summarized everything. All this that happened, death was the only way to describe it. And yet, I didn't feel it was enough.

"Death. Death. Death. Death. Death."

"Wait, who's death?"

"My death! Ayaka's death! Rei's death!"

I lashed out, my voice straining with anguish. I thought of the dead bodies that I had seen. 

In that dream, where I saw the deaths of everyone.

In that forest, where I saw the death of Ayaka.

In that city, where I saw the death of Rei.

And in this world, where I held consciousness to the last second of my own death.

"Yours too... I saw it. Whenever it was Khosrow, Forna. Everyone. You shouldn't remember, and neither should anyone else."

When I talked to Saria, I confirmed it with her. She was wiping the memories of those around me when I died, doing her best to conceal her relationship with me.

"But it happened. Even now, when we woke up here. You remember that black arc, don't you? That was Khosrow's attack. When it killed the two of us, we woke up here."

"...That would make a lot of sense but."

"It's the truth, Kazane. It's the truth. It's been the truth all this time. What reason would I have to make this up..."

"----"

"That's right... What reason at all would I have made something up like this... Because... Because..."

I couldn't hold it back anymore.

All the stomached pain, suffering, hurt.

"It was hell!! It was suffering!! It hurt so much I wanted to die!! What kind of stupid person would choose lying to say something like that!!!!!"

I got on my hands and slammed my forehead against the ground. Again. And again. And again. The pain felt nothing more than a pinch compared to what I recalled. Lifting my head again,

"S-stop that!"

An arm wrapped around my neck, and I suddenly found it difficult to move my body down. Another arm was wrapped around my chest, and a small body layed against my back.

"Kazane..."

"Ayato can say anything, but please don't hurt yourself!"

Her words echoed off the walls of the hollow building, 

Don't hurt yourself.

Don't hurt yourself.

Don't hurt yourself.

My muscles relaxed, and my body went limp in Kazane's arms. My face clouded with fear as I stared at the ground.

"When I left that morning, I met with Ayaka."

That day, when the failures of my training brought me outside.

Where all hell began.

I found myself reminiscing about it.

"She... showed me lots of things. Looking up, abilities, the city. Just when I had hope, just when I thought that things were going to be okay... And then... And then..."

My vision blurred. The tight feeling in my stomach.

"Khosrow showed up!!! Could you even comprehend the horror of watching the people that you know bleeding to death and dying in front of your face!!?? The agitating moments as your body is crushed? The desperation as you crawl to his feet, praying that he'll save you!!?  That begging him was the only hope that could come true!!?"

"Ayato... your face-"

"Is it crying!? Is it ugly!!? Is it blistering with all sorts of invisible wounds that you can't see because some magical entity keeps healing it up so that it can be beaten again!!?"

"-hk!"

I had looked up, giving her a look. I could feel my eyes stretched, my face muscles tense.

Kazane's response was her quivering lips and her widened eyes that shook as they saw my face. I was sure that my face was exactly as I described.

My face turned back to the ground, my lips quivering. My hands were shaking, and my vision was blurry. Even the sharp lines of the rocks now looked like smears.

"When I got back... I rushed to find Ayaka. My ability worked. I was so happy... My hard work payed off. You know what all that hard work got me?"

"----"

"Death. How little those shards did to Khosrow."

"----"

"Even when I came back, even that morning when you woke me up, even that afternoon when I kept trying to stay alive... It didn't do anything!! I still died, in ways more painful than before!!! No matter what I did, it all led to the same result!!"

I was breathing heavily. My chest ached and my stomach burned. I could hardly see anything. 

I was beaten. No matter how many times I came back, I couldn't find the reason to go further.

"Enough already. I really can't. Keep doing this."

    -- Why was I given such an ability?

I wasn't a hero in the slightest. 

If I was one, then I must've been able to do something. Something at least to prevent the deaths of everyone, something to prevent the deaths of myself, something to prevent the suffering of all this.

Even at the park, when I thought that death was something.

Even at the trail, when I thought that there was a future for me.

Even now, when I thought that everything was hopeless.

There wasn't anything that I did. There wasn't anything that I could do. There wasn't anything that I chose not to do. The only things that existed were things that I was too incompetent to even fathom.

"Why... all this hell."

I was frustrated. I was sad. I was angry.

All these emotions. Everything that I've been holding up till now. From the first death at the park to the time the Shaang had devoured me.

“All that training… All that foolish belief that things were special. Even with my ability, even with the weapon, I didn’t do anything! I couldn’t do anything!”
 
My mind wandered to that night, when I thought somehow, the dangerous GRS assassins could’ve been something cool.
 
“You see? I’ve been telling you all, all this time, Ayato Hinode was someone special!”
 
The edges of my mouth curved into a smile at what I had said.
 
Special.
What a bunch of nonsense that he believed. 
 
If this was what he called special, then it wasn’t something I wanted.
I wanted to run.
 
It wasn’t just the city I wanted to escape. It wasn’t just the GRS waiting at the edge, making sure my lives ended.
 
All this KRS.
All this GRS.
 
If such things never appeared in my life, then I wouldn’t have needed to die.
It was as simple as that. Who could take this dying over that boring, peaceful life that I had?

"It didn't have to be this way..."

The silence of the hollow space. My words bounced and echoed off the walls.

This way. This way. This way.

"You know, someone once told me that everything becomes useless when you die."

Kazane said, her arms tightening her hug around me.

"But it also went the other way, right? Maybe things are useful when you're alive. Die and return, ha. Everything will always be useful. If that really was the case, then how could I give up? How could you give up?"

Pushing herself off my back, Kazane walked around and faced me. She gripped my shoulder.

"I won’t let you give up. You said it yourself, right? On that night, when you stood out the window declaring that you were special."

"What are you..."

"Ayato so special, GRS couldn't kill you. Ayato even made fun it it, because Ayato was so special."

"-Tch."

This imaginary person that Kazane was talking about. Must have been a crazy person. Must have been a delusional maniac who thought he could do something.

I remember him because I was him.

"And what of it!? The only thing he can do is spout from his ass! He couldn't even lay and stay still like a normal person!! Who even was that guy!? You mean that ass that promised all sorts of cool things, thinking that he was some special charm!? That ass that ran off in the forest, thinking that he was some amazing being and ending up dead!!?"

"-hk!"

I panted, trying to catch my breath. I leaned back, falling onto my knees.

"I saw it all. The true reality of this. That dream he had, all nonsense. He was going to do nothing. He  wasn't going to do anything good."

"----"

"Ha. Even you can't come up with something. I've done nothing. Nothing good at all. This isn't some frustration rant that hides all the good things, I really have nothing. I'm completely bad."

My arms hung motionlessly by my side.

I had given up. There was nothing else for me to do. I was going to stay here, starve to death, and perhaps respawn.

That was it. That was all that there was to my life.

"Why... is Ayato like this."

Kazane eyes shook as she stared at me. She slowly exhaled, letting out a long sigh.

"-I suppose it's fine. Just for right now."

"Huh...?"

A heel stepped on my forehead, pushing my head up.

"You see? I've been doubting it all this time, but Kazane Hinode was someone special!"

"Normal humans, I think I've finally realized what it might be. 

"There's no value in that ability!!"

Unending death.

The ability that broke me.

I felt a desperate urge to correct her.

"How many times do I have to say that... it's useless!! The only thing it can do is bring me back fake hope that I could save myself!! Or relive my depression failures! There's nothing-"

"Why can't you think about anyone else for once!? Or that believe that anyone else can be selfish!??"

"Kazane...?"

Kazane had raised her voice, tightening her grip on my shoulder.

"That day when you died and woke, you have no idea how I happy I was!! Or how happy I was when I found you breathing and warm when you returned to me!"

The corners of Kazane's eyes were damp and red. She clung onto my shoulder, pressing her forehead against mine.

"It was all thanks to your ability. That's why... I can't think of it as a bad thing. Even if it is selfish to take lightly to what you said... I'm really, really grateful that you can be here right now, still breathing and arguing with me."

"----"

"You're not bad at all. It's just this whole situtation. Don't think it's all hopeless, or that you're all hopeless just because of that!"

"----"

Kazane pushed herself off my forehead, and gripped my shoulders tightly. Her eyes were narrowed, and she held my gaze.

"I'll protect you. Even if I die, even if I die for real, I'll take away your suffering. That's why please. Don't give up."

"----"

"Believe please. That in the darkness of the future, that there is some light. If you can't see it, just pretend that I am that light. Please do that for me."

"Kazane... I... -hk."

I burried my face into Kazane's shoulders.

A sensation of something wet and warm.

I was... crying.

It wasn't a sob. It wasn't a wail. Just a long silence, and sniffling.

All that had happened, all these feelings that I had let out. Having screamed them all out, my chest felt empty.

"It's okay, it's okay. Everything will be alright."

Kazane stroked my head, her fingers running through my hair. She grunted.

"Ha. Even after telling you that morning to keep yourself safe... you ended up like that."

"----"

"But I think it's fine. After all, you're all alive, breathing and having plenty of emotions."

"Emotions... I'm crying. Is it really okay to be like this?"

"Yup. It's perfectly fine for boys to cry, even if it's in front of your younger sister. But crying too much is bad, dontcha think Babyato?"

"Teasing me at a time like this..."

A laugh built in my stomach.

It wasn't a dark laugh or a painful laugh. It was just... comfortable.

"Hahahahaha!!!"

"Ayato?"

Kazane tilted her head in response to my laughing. She was probably confused, wondering if I had broke down again.

For the first time in the past days, I found myself laughing like how I used to. The comfort in my stomach as I let it out. The joy on my face that I could share.

Even Kazane eventually managed a smile in response.

This was just the beginning.
The beginning of a new start.

I wanted to be saved.
And I wanted you to be saved.

-- If that's what it took, then so be it.

I'll work to save everyone and they'll all work to save me. I'll trust in Kazane, believe she is the light that will save me from the future.

I took a deep breath, pushing myself off Kazane's shoulder.

Our eyes locked.

"Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for lighting the way in this darkness for me. I'll do my best to return the favor."

"Yep."

"Let's get started. The two of us... on the journey to the end."

And with that, I extended my hand.